COMPASSIONATE ELDERS — A BOUNDED DUTY
A couple of weeks back I wrote about how caring for elders is an unbounded privilege. Some amount of introspection coupled with an intense feedback goaded me to write about the issue from the perspective of elders. Having, almost , come of age myself, the motive is to talk about the role of elders in not only enabling the wholesome and all-round development of their progeny but also to facilitate a conducive, pleasant and stable family environment — mind you this piece is not a tutorial on parenting or how to deal with problems/issues of infancy/childhood/adolescence but only, to my limited experience, to provide a view point on the role of elders in ensuring that their elderly duties and roles are suitably nuanced and approached with a wholesome perspective which can make the task all the more pleasurable and, of course, enjoyable.
Having been blessed with parents whose educational background was as different as chalk and cheese- one an intellectual giant whose accomplishments and command over English language earned fulsome praise and appreciation from even the stiff upper-lipped Britons and the other whom circumstances had conspired to deprive her of even the basic schooling — their diversity, however, converged in the depth of love, affection and extraordinary amount of understanding in their approach towards all the children — not just their progeny but anyone and everyone whom destiny brought them into contact with. Just to exemplify, my mother’s lack of any formal education (which did not stand in the way of her adopting a balanced and pragmatic approach) did not dissuade her in any manner to, along with my father and in the 1960’s and 1970’s, not only accept but also embrace and whole-heartedly welcome inter-caste and even inter-religion marriages and facilitate their seamless integration into the family — in a day and age where such marriages were not only unheard off but also had the potential to create major social upheaval.
Arising out of this is, in my opinion, the first step to making the duty pleasurable — understanding the needs, thoughts and desires of children and after-discussing threadbare the pros and cons of their decision and planned course of action to embrace it fully and wholeheartedly and not to let the benefit of hindsight, at any later stage, cloud thought processes. For, any decision arrived at any point of time, after due deliberation, is correct in the context in which it is made and any subsequent happenings which could not be foreseen, even by the most accomplished astrologer and soothsayer, should not be used to adopt a deprecating or critical attitude with respect thereto. More than that, what is important is to exponentially multiply the levels of understanding, keep the communication channels open and look for different courses of action to overcome the pitfalls or, if the need arises, to collectively accept the decision as erroneous and chart something new altogether.
The other thing that I learnt from my parents, and something which I can say, unabashedly and with some amount of pride, that I have followed, is to let children pursue their dreams and never to use them as an instrument to fulfil your unfulfilled dreams and desires. Let them explore, view, admire and assimilate the world with their own eyes and not from the reflected rays of someone else’s vision. Whether it is the pursuit of hobbies, their career paths (howsoever unconventional, offbeat and divergent they may be from your likes or thought process), choice of life partners, eating habits, their personal preferences and orientations and the like — give them the freedom, while, of course, simultaneously fulfilling your elderly duties of keeping an unobtrusive watch to prevent them from falling astray and making them aware of the pitfalls which may be encountered on the chosen path.
An opportunity to pursue their dreams will lead to a satisfied child with no regrets of not having even tried what their passion wanted them to do. Here I am reminded of a passage from the acclaimed cricket writer Peter Roebuck’s autobiographical offering — “Sometimes I forgot to Laugh” who when talking about his dream to pursue cricket as a career succinctly puts it: -
“Despite the setbacks the decision was the right one”.
A man must follow his spirit for otherwise something dies within”
Not just unfulfilled dreams but also the lack of an opportunity to pursue dreams opens with it bottomless possibilities of ending in frustration and intensely strained familial relationships with the frightening prospect of depression thrown in for good measure.
Equally, if not more important, is the paramount need to take care of your physical and mental health to minimise the possibility of becoming a burden on your children in old age. While the ravages of time and in particular old age do not spare anybody, with a wasting body being a natural progression of life, it is necessary to adopt a form of lifestyle which is healthy wholesome and balanced — which is even otherwise for your own good. Granted old age ailments and physical setbacks are unpredictable, yet inevitable, and a healthy lifestyle is no guarantee that they will not come, at least on balance, the possibility, can definitely get reduced by adopting a balanced and healthy way of life.
Related to this is the need to try and keep a mental balance and not, if I may say so bluntly, be a pest or a parasite on their lives. Crave their attention, seek their time not as a right, but as a privilege. Remember they have their own lives to live which may not necessarily, but definitely not always, will be on the same plane as yours. Give them freedom, provide them the wings to soar, not stifle their dreams and aspirations by tagging your life with them. The umbilical cord while physically severed at birth should be mentally cut at a certain age. Be the gentle facilitator, not the obstructive impediment and allow your children to flower and their fragrance bloom in its long and everlasting glory. Understand and appreciate that their own distinct personalities may totally be at cross-purposes with yours — genes have a rather funny way of mutating (totally beyond practical human comprehension and defraying all theories of science) and coming to terms with the mutation would lay the foundation for a contented family life and pave the way for relationships to be based on a solid foundation.
Before concluding, consider your elderly status and the accompanying responsibilities as a wholesome privilege and again a pleasurable duty. By all means do all what you can for your children, even if you have to stretch your resources to do so, but never let the children feel the burden of being obligated to you for what you have done. Your efforts even if back-breaking and a strain on your resources are of an expression of your natural desires and aspirations to provide your children with all the opportunities for a fulfilling life — they are not an obligation or a liability to be discharged. Never seek appreciation or as the Accountant in me puts it, seek to document the discharge of your responsibilities and obligations by seeking the appreciation of your children for all that you have done for them.
Remember not just your parents but all living species did it and continue to do so for their offspring and you are just doing what you are naturally supposed to do, and that too willingly and unhesitatingly. While your love for your children should be explicit, transparent and overtly expressed, your efforts to provide them with a fulsome life are best kept under wraps and not tom-tommed about. Here the age-old maxim “where speech is silver, silence is golden” really becomes relevant.
So enjoy your children, share their joys, internalise their failures and problems, and let them, independently, find their own niche and calling — at the end of it all everybody would be happy, contended and peaceful and you would have the immensely deep-rooted satisfaction of having discharged your duties, fairly, truly and pleasurably.
To conclude, I list below some mantras which I have called out from various preachings, discourses, speeches and writings of His Holiness, the Dalai Lama: -
Ø From the moment of birth every human being wants happiness and does not want suffering;
Ø Need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence and is in our blood from the day we are born;
Ø The happiness of childhood, the allaying of the child’s many fears and the healthy development of its self-confidence all depend directly upon love;
Ø Love your child compassionately — motivated less by personal need but more by genuine care for the child — of course, with the right amalgam of desire and attachment.
Simple words, deceptively complex to implement but definitely not beyond the realms of possibility and practice.
